Putting up the Christmas tree

Last time I talked about how sometimes I would just wish that I could curl up and be a kid again, with Mom taking care of the responsibilities and me not having them anymore.

But in reality: I couldn’t wait to move out and make my own decisions. I love choosing what to eat, where to go, what to do. I appreciated the challenge of learning what each person’s needs and desires were and then doing my best to meet them. I was born to be a wife and mother and help run a home. I just get tired sometimes and wistfully think it would be great to go back – but actually all I really want is my present reality without any problems.  🙂

Dennis wasn’t really into Christmas trees. He didn’t want a tree at all at first, but after the second child was born, I convinced him that we should have a small one. It grew, via yard sales, from a 2′ to a 4′ to a 7′ tree, and it was my job to decorate it with the kids’ assistance. The first few years we didn’t have any money for ornaments so we wrapped blocks and then hung them on the tree with some underneath. On New Year’s Day we would pretend they were gifts and open them excitedly, “Wow, I got a red one!” The kids made a few ornaments in school and then we bought some eventually, so the tree was a conglomeration of homemade and nostalgic and pretty.

It was a fun party doing it all, and I didn’t mind. The kids’ excitement always, always injects adrenalin into me and I could walk a mile in a snowdrift, jump a thousand waves, or stay up till 3 a.m. if they are laughing together with me.

Then they got older, and nobody wanted to help put the tree up anymore. They still liked it, but it was a bother.

I can’t put up a tree by myself. I can’t care unless someone else cares. Maybe I became too attached to having someone to do it with and it just wasn’t the same to do it alone. I wasn’t ready for them to grow up and move on yet.

So last year I bought a tiny tree in a thrift store and put it on a table in the corner. It was pretty, no work, and we piled gifts around it. It suffices.